To Lil Wayne, With Love

Dear Lil Wayne,

So, a little bird told me today (okay, who the hell am I kidding, I read that shit online, probably from Perez Hilton's big mouth, but I'm not one to point fingers, and I'm sure you can respect that) that you might have fathered a FIFTH child, somewhere in the south. And not only in the south, but in Missouri. I once dated a guy who had inseminated a woman in Missouri during his college days, and can I just ask for a moment? What is it about that state? Are there NO extracurricular activities? Does everyone just go to Missouri, and decide to knock someone up? I just had to ask, because I find it interesting that every guy I know has impregnated someone from that state. Okay, well, maybe not EVERY guy. The rest of the guys I know drop their seed in all the other 49 states, and Puerto Rico, so I guess they've covered the states you haven't yet reached.

The point I'm trying to make is, Wayne (can I call you that? Or are we just not at that level yet?) I think that you really need to keep an accurate record of your sperm emissions, especially when you're visiting states you did not grow up in, or live in. I mean, it's okay to visit St. Louis, or Kansas City, but it's quite another to partner with the stork and leave a little bundle of joy for yet another baby mama. I mean, you already fathered four children. Maybe a little voluntary snippage might not be such a bad idea, ya know?

I once had a guy I was seeing tell me he was planning to have a vasectomy. This was right before he asked me if I was taking the birth control pill. Did I mention this was the day before Valentines Day? It was quite unromantic, Mr. Carter, and so I'd just like to suggest that if you do decide to go this route, you probably shouldn't bring it up until you say the "L" word, and all that jazz, because that way, she can't run for the door. Nothing spells out an awkwardly painful conversation better than opening up with a line about the "V" word...and I'm talking about vasectomies, not vag-jay-jays.

However, I have to say, in your situation, it might be a rather smart idea to get your vas deferens clipped, because you've smoked more weed than Cheech and Chong, and as a professional in the educational system, I think I speak on behalf of every educator when I say that we just can't handle more kids who are about as slow as Jay and Silent Bob and who think it's socially acceptable to light up a joint in the bathroom at recess. Although I'm sure your children are adorable, especially if they have your hairdo. Nothing makes society smile more than little kids running around with Whoopi Goldberg/Bob Marley hair.

Also, if you ever plan to date again, I can tell you that most women? Do not like baby mama drama. It is a REAL bitch to have to put up with one crazy lady on your ass because she thinks she can be, much less two or three baby mamas. That's just asking to have your next girlfriend hooked on prescription Xanax. A woman can only take so much chaos and drama before she is ready to go off the deep end. As I am sure you're quite aware of, hence most of the lyrics in your songs. If you don't know, now you know, and if you still don't know, you might wanna call Eminem. I'm sure he has a LOT to tell you about what can happen when you knock up some bitch you really can't stand. You might make millions off of songs like "Love the Way You Lie" but you will be stuck dealing with her bullshit for the next 18 years, minimum.

Just a little advice, from me, to you. PS--Congrats on your recent release from jail. I'm sure this dumb broad who claims you fathered her child and now wants every Tom, Dick, and Lil Wayne she had sex with to take a DNA test timed your release from prison just perfectly with her announcement to the media. She might be some trifling hoe who is just asking to get attention and money out of you, but she's no dummy. Most gold digging Maury Povich dropouts know every PR secret in the book, and I'm sure she's no exception. Nothing says "Welcome Home!" better than asking a guy to do a paternity test.

If you were my brother, I'd tell you to get a subscription to Playboy, and a bottle of Jergens, and save yourself the hassle of paying HELLA money to women you really wouldn't even LIKE if you had to spend the rest of your life with them. A cold and lonely bed is better than a big chunk of your record label profits going to yet another child who may or may not be yours.

You may not like what I had to say, but like your song lyrics, you can love me or hate me, I swear it won't make me or break me.

Peace, Love, and Many Trojans to You, Lil Wayne,
LC