TMZ, if you are reading this, I would love to be your resident in-house psychic. And if you reject me, Chelsea Handler? Can you please give me a call? I think you need a little psychic lovin' on your show. Please don't try calling Latoya Jackson, either. That bitch be craaa-zy. Just because you've had your entire face rhinoplastied & reshaped or because you're MJ's sister (RIP, MJ!) does not qualify you to charge people $2.99/minute on the Psychic Friends Network.
That being said, I had a weird, eery feeling about trouble in paradise that had nothing to do with the tabloid rumors surrounding Eva and Tony WEEKS before news broke of their split, but when I opened up Yahoo.com the other day at work to check my email, the first words out of my mouth were, "Hot damn, I need to move to Sedona or Venice Beach and read tarot cards for a living! I really AM a psychic."
Upon discovering Tony was a lying, backstabbing cheat who was texting and communicating with one of their mutual friends, Erin Barry, I got to work trying to figure out exactly who this Barry chick was and what she looked like. I was hoping she looked like roadkill, but to my surprise, she didn't. Bummer.
Nevertheless, I still maintain she is not as pretty as Eva or as educated, accomplished, or talented, and bottom line? The bitch ain't Latina, and I'd love to see a 6'5, 250 lb man enjoy eating salad greens from a plastic bag for the holidays when he could be having homemade tamales and tortillas.
Here is my own personal Dear John letter to Tony. PS--You owe me $3.99, asshole. When you married my homegirl, Eva, I was so happy for the both of you, I ran out and bought OK! Magazine because they had all your wedding photos, exclusively. Please feel free to send it to me, or, get me courtside seats to a Suns/Spurs game, preferably in proximity to Robin Lopez. I, too, would like to be an NBA wife, except we would be much more like Khloe and Lamar than Eva and Tony.
Dear Tony,
It all started out so sweet...you met Eva and her Dad, which I thought was really cute. She took her pops to a Spurs game and then a tour of the locker room, where you introduced yourself. I have a hard time believing that a Mexican man who goes hunting really was all that impressed with a guy who had a French accent and wants to believe he can have any kind of legit rapping career in France, or anywhere, for that matter, when his voice sounds borderline homo, but maybe he did. I wasn't there. Just sayin.' You took her to dinner, you kissed, blah, blah, blah. She got a rock, you met her at the altar, and I paid $3.99 of my hard earned money to see what your wedding photos looked like. Eva had about 40 women in your wedding party, no surprise, as she is, after all, Mexican. Latinas believe in the phrase, go big or go home. That could also be why she married a black man. Again, just sayin.'
She was the devoted wife, even if she was busy playing one on TV. Yet, she still managed to attend many of your games, and I loved that she still incorporated cute, stylish little jackets into her wardrobe. The Spurs even came out with an entire line of women's clothing inspired by Eva and her support for your team. But obviously, one basketball wife was not enough for you. You were kissing a 5'2, bronze and beautiful Latina, and you still had to have your former teammate's girl, too. What's up with that, Tony? Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods? You can't have your tres leches cake, and eat it too, and I'm sure Eva's mom, sisters, and her entire entourage of Latina friends will be sure to inform you of this. If anyone can play the part of the woman scorned, it is NOT Bree Van de Camp or Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives. Oh, NO. It's a Latina woman. Piss one of us off, you piss off the entire global population of Hispanic chicks. The wives section? Is gonna be pretty empty now, isn't it, Tony?
I always appreciated how you seemed to be supportive of Eva, too. You even built a mansion with her in San Antonio. And for a while, when I started thinking about sacrifices and relationships, I looked to your example when thinking about long distance relationships. They might be hard, but if you can make it work, it's worth it. That's what I convinced myself. Obviously, you needed more attention, although I find it hard to believe you would have been faithful to Eva even if she was up your ass 24-7. Which is really too bad because nothing is cuter next to a really tall, athletic man than a tiny little Mexican girl. Ya screwed up, Big T.
Although I was always a cheerleader (not a Spurs cheerleader, I'm a Suns girl, through and through) for The Longoria-Parkers and was rooting for your relationship to work, I really am disappointed in the way it all ended, much like I have been disappointed in so many of my own dating disasters. Though I don't know you, if I did, I would probably share all this info with you in person, and tell you how I really feel. But since I don't, I will just say that I think you are yet another example of a selfish douche who didn't know what he really had until a good woman walked away from him. I really believe Eva will have the last laugh, Tony, and in honor of ALL the Mexican women who have been done wrong, I hope she is laughing ALL the way to the bank.
Every kiss may begin with k, but you can kiss your Latin lover goodbye, Parker. It's been real. P.S.--Make that check payable to LC, and feel free to send it ASAP. I need some cash for Christmas. Not all of us Latinas have our own perfume, movie deals, or part on a hit TV show. Not to mention alimony from an NBA player. Thanks for the past several years, Tony, but just FYI, you could've at least made it to a full 7, so we could have at least blamed it on the seven year itch. The only itching you're gonna be doing? Will come courtesy of whatever it is you contract from your mistress. Good luck to ya, honey.
xoxo,
LC
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