This Broke Girl's Fave New TV Show

I feel like the writers for 'Sex and the City' (my all-time favorite TV show) just know my shit, or something.

First, it was Carrie Bradshaw. Everything about my dating life in my 20's, has been reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw's, except that I am still not a published writer and I also am not living in Manhattan (unfortunately.) I sometimes think I somehow grew up to become the real life version of Carrie Bradshaw, and my friends often tell me the same thing, which I'm not sure is a good thing, or a bad thing.

So when I heard that the writers of Sex and the City had developed a new TV show, entitled '2 Broke Girls,' I could not have been more pleased. Not only did the title resonate with some of my friends and I (okay, all of my friends, and I) it also made me realize that there are millions of American women who are in the same boat right now, and while it's lovely to have shows about the latest Manolo Blahniks, it's even more important to illustrate the struggles that most American women are facing right now, in homes and apartments across the country.

Seeing characters Max and Caroline come together despite their very different backgrounds, because of a shared state of financial distress, goes to show that the economic crisis in this country has touched all of us in one way or another. Whether you are a trust fund queen with a shopping addiction turned waitress with a potty mouth roommate (like Caroline) or a smart mouth, talented but financially troubled young woman like Max, everyone's wallet and bank account has been hit by the recession.

Max demonstrates a young woman with talent and a sense of humor who, in spite of her bank account hitting rock bottom and collection agencies blowing up her phone, can keep her commitment to work and helping another woman--Caroline--who needs a place to stay. Using her talent for cooking and baking and her creativity to try and launch a cupcake business shows that if there's one thing women are good at, it's taking their hobbies and passions and creativity, and turning those talents into a moneymaking profession. Caroline's resourcefulness, gift for gab and her social skills show that there are still women out there who will use their own positive qualities to help out a fellow female and a friend in need pursue their dream.

In a world where most of us know what it is to worry about how we are going to pay our bills every month, or how we are ever going to overcome the impossible debt in front of us, and a world where women are still underpaid in comparison to men, and where we are reluctant to help each OTHER out when we're in need, it's refreshing to have a show to watch on Monday nights, perhaps the most challenging night of MY week (and I'm sure I'm not alone in that sentiment) that displays two women with humor and drive attempt to improve their lives.

While I love Carrie Bradshaw for showing women everywhere that being single is not only okay, it's fabulous, and embracing your sexuality and ability to make choices that are right for YOUR own life, I admire Max and Caroline's characters for setting the example of what amazing things can happen with a little perseverance and a lot of perspiration. Dreams can still come true for every American girl, if they have the courage to chase their dreams, even when they may not be born with a silver spoon in their mouth.

If there's one thing Americans know about, it's how to take lemons, make them into lemonade, and then open a profitable lemonade stand. This sense of initiative and personal responsibility, and the dream of making their lives better against all odds is what the American dream is all about. If there's one thing American WOMEN know about, it's how to forge together, use their spirit and heart to get out of any mess they might be in.

There's nothing more sexy than that.

J Biebs Baby Mama Drama

I'm gonna be the one who goes ahead and says it.
NOBODY likes a baby mama who is only good for stirring up drama.
The one thing everyone hates MORE than baby mama drama?

Is women who go around saying they are pregnant from a man they've dated or slept with for about 5 minutes, or women who say they are pregnant from a celebrity, particularly when there's a slim chance in hell that their alleged baby daddy would ever touch them with a ten foot pole, much less their penis.

In the case of Justin Bieber, I'm pretty sure there's only one woman everyone in America hates more than Casey Anthony, and that would be Mariah Yeater, the woman who is accusing the Biebs of knocking her up. Since Justin does not have any big sisters to run to his defense, I feel morally obligated to set Mariah Yeater straight.

An Open Letter to Mariah Yeater (from the desk of LC):

I'm not quite sure what was going on upstairs in that little brain of yours, to cause you to not only accuse a celebrity of having sex with you, but also to say that he impregnated you, and I'm even MORE confused why you would want to sell your soul just to get the tabloids talking about you, your reputation, and compromise all of your dignity and morals in the name of getting your 15 minutes of fame. Perhaps you have major daddy issues, or maybe you just needed some attention, or, judging by your clothing choices and your bad hair, maybe some boy from your trailer park who is your REAL baby daddy just lost his job at the local gas station, and he no longer seems like the kinda guy who is gonna pay you a dime in child support. Regardless of what mental health issues you may have, let me be the one to let you know, it is NEVER okay to not only accuse a man of getting you pregnant, but also use that impending pregnancy as a ploy for keeping him by your side, so you don't lose him.

Pregnancy has a way of causing a LOT of drama and complications, and nothing puts a man off of sex like pregnancy, so if you think that is going to be your way of getting him to run to your side, it's not going to work, honey. It also has a way of requiring the woman carrying the child to buck up and start acting like a grown up, instead of like an irresponsible little girl. You are not stable enough to have anyone's child--but you're really not responsible enough to be a mom to your illegitimate baby. And you also don't deserve a drop of money from the tabloids or media shows, and you absolutely don't deserve to be in the spotlight just because you are ruining what's left of the teen years of a young celebrity who worked for his stardom.

In case it slipped your mind, Justin Bieber is a CHILD. Accusing J Biebs of fathering your child, is not only wrong, it's only proving that you have no kind of mental stability. Who wants to compromise their entire life and possibly serve jail time just so that they can make a quick buck. That is going to not only follow YOU forever--it's going to haunt your child's life forever, too.

You are just another example of one of the unfortunate women in our society who are selfish, unclassy, and who have no morals or sense of judgment. And it's time that more women who are older than you are, step up and have the guts to tell you like it is, instead of laughing about your condition or the mistakes you are making, and saying, "Well, thank God she isn't MY kid," or "Thank goodness that's not MY sister." Somewhere along the way, someone needed to give you attention long enough to teach you right from wrong--if it didn't happen at home, then the rest of us need to set you straight instead of letting you ruin other people's lives.

This is a young man who worked hard for what he has now, and has a mother who gave him life despite the fact that she was a teen mom. He is dating a young woman, Selena Gomez, who also worked for her celeb status, and she, too, is the daughter of teen parents. Regardless of the obstacles they had to overcome to get their children where they are today, those parents did not compromise their dignity or the lives of other people, in an attempt to get money out of someone who was innocent. I highly doubt Justin or Selena's mothers went around accusing other people of getting them pregnant. They took responsibility and raised their children the best they could.

Now it's your turn. The first step to overcoming any problem, is to admit you have one.
Selling your story to the tabloids, making a teenage boy take a DNA test, and risking the future and sanity of your innocent child is not taking you on the path towards overcoming any problems you have. It's setting you, and your baby, on the path towards a life of issues--only because of the lies you've told.

In our society, it's hard to find parents and families who we can look up to. It's even harder to find young women who are willing to grow up and assume responsibility for their actions, and think of someone other than themselves. If you never had someone in YOUR life who was like that, at least have the integrity to be that type of person for YOUR child.

There are already too many kids born to people who aren't mentally or emotionally stable enough to offer any kind of a decent life to their children. Since you've clearly had a big plate of crazy for dinner the last 19 years of your life, I think you should consider your actions and how they affect others--and all the other young girls out there who are using pregnancy as a means for "keeping their guy on lock" or "getting the guy" that they want--need to do the same.

Good Luck to Ya,
LC



PS--As a fellow Latina, I really think Selena should kick your ass, & I'd be more than happy to help her, since you are over 18, after all.
PPS--I hope you look good in autumn colors, because you'll be wearing an orange jumpsuit in no time, after the Biebs' legal team takes care of your crazy ass.

Real Women Have Learning Curves

I find it disturbing that every other show I see on TV lately has the title "Pretty Little Liars," "Gossip Girl," "Bad Girls Club," or "Lying Game." When you go to the movies, or wait for previews, or watch movies on TV, so many of the titles sound so similar to each other, like there's a whole new genre out there devoted to a lifestyle: "Friends With Benefits." "No Strings Attached." "Something Borrowed." "Maneater." "Unfaithful."

I am certainly NOT a prude and I'm definitely not judging anyone who watches these movies because I am one of the people who participates in buying tickets to see some of these films with my girlfriends or the women in my family as soon as they hit the silver screen. I can't say I am any different than the next woman, so don't get me wrong--I watch them too. The difference is, I am able to sit through the movie and be a skeptic and analyze it; I'm able to take it at face value at this point in my life. But younger women aren't.

All of this would be fine, except that some of the messages these shows are sending to girls and young women are subliminally telling women that it's okay to be a liar, if you're simultaneously pretty; gossip is inevitable--especially if you're young, rich, and have never really had to work a day in your life (never mind that we are living in one of the worst economies in the history of the country, so this is, in fact, completely unrealistic for most women) and it's also promoting the idea that bad behavior is acceptable if it's on national television (as in the ridiculous antics on the show "Bad Girls Club," where the girls go buck wild, grabbing each other by the hair, shoving each other around, hitting, yelling, and plotting the demise of every other girl on the show.) This doesn't teach ANY woman how to interact with other women, much less how to build a positive friendship with another woman.

We wonder why the divorce rate looms around 50% and why fewer and fewer couples are actually taking the whole "til death do us part" seriously, but then we make movies that have titles like "No Strings Attached" or "Friends With Benefits," and expect that we can somehow turn booty calls and one night stands into lasting, permanent relationships. I'm here to tell you that while this may happen once in a blue moon, those are the exceptions...and the rule is, nobody buys the cow when the milk is free, and any girl who isn't buying the pig because she just wants to get a little sausage is only fooling herself, because one day, she's going to wake up and realize that she was only fooling herself.

Men respect standards. Women appreciate standards, too. We spend hours inspecting the quality of the handbags and shoes we are about to purchase at Nordstrom or Neiman's or Bloomingdales, yet we settle or make excuses for the men we allow to share our beds at night. The media is constantly blasting these messages at men AND mostly at women who are already confused as it is about how to behave in order to get what they ultimately want out of life--and mostly, in love. We need to start promoting movies, TV shows, songs, and actors and actresses who show young people what it is to live a healthy and positive lifestyle, so that we model what it is to make good choices, when it's easier to make the wrong choices. If all a young girl has to look forward to when she comes home from school is MTV's "Jersey Shore" or "Teen Mom," she has very slim pickings when it comes to healthy, positive female role models.

And if the biotches on Bad Girls Club are her role models, your daughter, or your friend, or your sister, just needs an intervention. Immediately, if not sooner.

There's nothing wrong with having fun, being free to make choices in your life as a woman, and being sexy. There IS something wrong when an entire generation of women starts to compromise what makes them so valuable as a woman: their femininity, and their womanhood--that which makes them compassionate towards others, empathetic, a partner in their relationship and marriage and not just a piece of ass, and a woman who knows the value of friendship and who listens, cares, and doesn't pick fights with other girls over men.

It's time to take back our TV shows, movies, and magazines and let the media know that we want to see women making good choices, so that we have women to look up to. If we know better, we do better...that's true for men, and it's definitely true for women.

Keeping Up With the Humphries...

Well, now that Kim is married, what the hell is America going to do on Sunday nights?
Now that we won't hear her bitching about being single, going on blind dates with random Armenian soccer players her momager has pimped her out to, and calling Reggie Bush to yell at him because he "can't be texting other whores!" (riiiight...) I'm fairly certain we're all going to have to find a new hobby.
Thank goodness, it's almost football season.
Well, that, and I'm pretty sure the girl will get herself knocked up in all of about 1 season of filming their spin-off reality TV show, Keeping Up with Kris & Kim, which will quickly launch into some sort of a rap song entitled, "Have a baby by me, baby, you'll be a single mama."

Good luck to Kimmie, even though I could give two shits about your keep-an-athlete wedding, I must say that your hair and makeup was seriously stunning for your main event, and you looked beautiful for your wedding day.

Your husband, on the other hand, looks like a blue eyed orangutan.

White Out

We are in total agreement that nothing is prettier for summer (especially when your tan is fresh to death, yo) than wearing white and incorporating the basic, simple, chic color in your warm weather wardrobe. Lauren Conrad's totally gorg summer dress is not only chic and comfortable, it's a classic that you'll be able to wear for many summers to come. (Provided you keep hitting the gym on the regular, even in the winter time. There is nothing less stylish than a woman who just can't make white work because her cellulite is showing right through her white dress.)

We miss seeing Lauren on reality TV and want to offer our condolences to this fashionable chica, since MTV shot down her proposal for her own reality TV show. We understand what it's like to try and do business or enhance your career when you've got a lot of short sighted good for nothings running the show. Just remember, it's better that you aren't on a network that has a show about teenage pregnancy on almost every hour on the hour. I mean, come on, it's like MTV is a small TV station out of Kentucky, or some other hick state where people get pregnant every time you turn around. For Christ's sake, MTV, not all of us are interested in simply propogating the species. Some of us are into more than just reproducing. Start featuring shows on TV that are about successful girls who have their shit together. It gives those of us hot chicks who have goals and drive something to look forward to when we are channel surfing.

Just A Warning for Kim K...From LC

I've been hearing a lot of talk about Kim K and Kanye hooking up, and I really don't know if this is true, and it's really none of my business, since I not only will probably never meet either of these people, but will also probably never really take a vested interest in their love lives. But I do feel obligated, as a woman, to give Kim a little piece of advice, from one lady to another.

Your alleged mack daddy? Has a big f#*king mouth. And I can say that, acknowledging completely that I, too, oftentimes have a big f%#king mouth, myself. Sure, this has made him millions upon millions of dollars. I'm sure he's been able to buy people homes, feed the poor, buy clothes for the needy, blah, blah, blah. But truth be told, his big mouth has also gotten him into some trouble, and while I realize that everyone messes up and everyone makes mistakes (I mean, Kim, you of all people would know that, since you've had certain tapes with Ray J circulating the globe 25 times over) he also needs to learn when to speak up, and when to keep his jaw wired shut.

Picking on Taylor Swift once was bad enough. Going back the next year and then saying she "used the incident to get more famous" is just in bad taste, Kanye. Get over yourself, the girl wrote you a damn song, let's move on already.

That being said, if he'd do this to Taylor, someone he clearly has no romantic interest in whatsoever, imagine what he'll do when the two of you break up. I'm sure he'll have lots to say about you, much of it unpleasant, and those rumors will not be anything nice to hear, Kim. Just food for thought.

Mr. West may be in the building, but if he was in mine, I would recommend he leave, immediately.

I don't know about you, but if I had ass implants, I certainly wouldn't want rumors about that leaked to the press. One argument with Kanye about what movie to watch on date night, and all of a sudden, you're Perez Hilton's next blog post.

Giving Thanks...

"I am so blessed...I only need more hours in the day to count all my blessings." --Julia Roberts

This Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for.

After a very difficult year, I finally feel like I am much stronger. If I have anything to be thankful for, it is the gift of change, because like Albert Einstein said, "In the midst of difficulty, lies opportunity." Everything changes, just like the seasons, and everyday brings the opportunity to spend time with the ones we love, from our friends to our families...and to do more to help others who have less than we do. Somebody always has it harder than we do, and we have to take a moment to be grateful for all of the blessings God's given to us.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that God has, at times, shown me what struggle, sacrifice, and adversity truly is. If he hadn't, I never would have been able to appreciate the blessings that he has sent in my life or realize that He really does send us miracles every single day, whether we choose to recognize them or not...and sometimes, he allows us to go through hard times so that he can make a major miracle happen right before our eyes.

I am thankful for the gift of a beautiful, supportive family who have been there for me to wipe away my tears, reassure me that everything is going to be alright, and make me feel loved, not just sometimes, but everyday. I'm blessed and so grateful for the friendships that God has allowed me to have and to keep over the years, because those friends have changed my life for the better. I am thankful for being able to see, hear, feel, and experience all the beauty that He created in the world. Even things as "shallow" or as "petty" as fashion are so much more special and meaningful when you see them as gifts from God.

I ask God to continue to bless me with my health, and to help me to see that there is always a reason to be happy, to laugh, to share love, to forgive, to learn, and to grow as a woman.

Happy Thanksgiving...the only thing I could ask for is more hours in the day to count all of my blessings.

Brunettes Have More Fun

A Transcript of a Text Message Conversation With a Great Friend of Mine (Who is Also a Man, and Does Not CARE about Hair):

ME: So, I have a really serious question for you. I need you to really think about it, I know it sounds funny, but I'm being completely serious here.

HIM: Ok, tell me what it is, and I'll tell you what I think.

ME: Should I highlight my hair, or keep it dark? Do blondes really have more fun? I can't remember if I did, when I had honey colored highlights, or if I like being a brunette better.

HIM: All the things going on in the world, and in your life, and you are seriously conflicted over the color of your hair?! You look great, either way. I don't know...

ME: Global warming is important, war, world peace, ending hunger...those are all important issues I'm concerned about. But my hair? Still needs to look pretty while I work on figuring out solutions to those problems. Thanks for your time.


I've been contemplating dying my hair (lightening it) for a few months now, but it really is a big commitment. It's almost like deciding to get into a new relationship. There's going to be some maintenance involved, you know you might have to dish out hefty amounts of money if you want to sustain it, and you will have to pay a professional to repair any split ends you may have.

That said, I think I decided to stay brunette once I saw this photo of Jessica Biel with brunette hair. Biel, ever the girl with beachy, flowy hair with caramel highlights, has gone darker for winter, evidently (or maybe a movie role?) and she looks great. Since we have a similar eye color (not really skin color, but eye color) the contrast of dark hair against tan skin with light eyes is always a little edgy and exotic. That's a look I could live with.

At least for a few months, until I am dying for a change again.
I'm sure I'll be texting many more people at that time to question what I should do about my hair color. Be prepared.

Another Spur Bites the Dust...

I have often questioned whether or not I may, in fact, just be psychic. I have tendencies to predict things before they actually happen, or have premonitions, or intuitive feelings, or visions of events playing out exactly the way they end up occurring, only days later. It's a weird feeling, and sometimes a bigger burden than an actual gift. Still, I feel somewhat blessed in certain circumstances. And I do believe I need to start using my blessings as a means for increasing my own bank account.

TMZ, if you are reading this, I would love to be your resident in-house psychic. And if you reject me, Chelsea Handler? Can you please give me a call? I think you need a little psychic lovin' on your show. Please don't try calling Latoya Jackson, either. That bitch be craaa-zy. Just because you've had your entire face rhinoplastied & reshaped or because you're MJ's sister (RIP, MJ!) does not qualify you to charge people $2.99/minute on the Psychic Friends Network.

That being said, I had a weird, eery feeling about trouble in paradise that had nothing to do with the tabloid rumors surrounding Eva and Tony WEEKS before news broke of their split, but when I opened up Yahoo.com the other day at work to check my email, the first words out of my mouth were, "Hot damn, I need to move to Sedona or Venice Beach and read tarot cards for a living! I really AM a psychic."

Upon discovering Tony was a lying, backstabbing cheat who was texting and communicating with one of their mutual friends, Erin Barry, I got to work trying to figure out exactly who this Barry chick was and what she looked like. I was hoping she looked like roadkill, but to my surprise, she didn't. Bummer.

Nevertheless, I still maintain she is not as pretty as Eva or as educated, accomplished, or talented, and bottom line? The bitch ain't Latina, and I'd love to see a 6'5, 250 lb man enjoy eating salad greens from a plastic bag for the holidays when he could be having homemade tamales and tortillas.

Here is my own personal Dear John letter to Tony. PS--You owe me $3.99, asshole. When you married my homegirl, Eva, I was so happy for the both of you, I ran out and bought OK! Magazine because they had all your wedding photos, exclusively. Please feel free to send it to me, or, get me courtside seats to a Suns/Spurs game, preferably in proximity to Robin Lopez. I, too, would like to be an NBA wife, except we would be much more like Khloe and Lamar than Eva and Tony.

Dear Tony,
It all started out so sweet...you met Eva and her Dad, which I thought was really cute. She took her pops to a Spurs game and then a tour of the locker room, where you introduced yourself. I have a hard time believing that a Mexican man who goes hunting really was all that impressed with a guy who had a French accent and wants to believe he can have any kind of legit rapping career in France, or anywhere, for that matter, when his voice sounds borderline homo, but maybe he did. I wasn't there. Just sayin.' You took her to dinner, you kissed, blah, blah, blah. She got a rock, you met her at the altar, and I paid $3.99 of my hard earned money to see what your wedding photos looked like. Eva had about 40 women in your wedding party, no surprise, as she is, after all, Mexican. Latinas believe in the phrase, go big or go home. That could also be why she married a black man. Again, just sayin.'



She was the devoted wife, even if she was busy playing one on TV. Yet, she still managed to attend many of your games, and I loved that she still incorporated cute, stylish little jackets into her wardrobe. The Spurs even came out with an entire line of women's clothing inspired by Eva and her support for your team. But obviously, one basketball wife was not enough for you. You were kissing a 5'2, bronze and beautiful Latina, and you still had to have your former teammate's girl, too. What's up with that, Tony? Who do you think you are, Tiger Woods? You can't have your tres leches cake, and eat it too, and I'm sure Eva's mom, sisters, and her entire entourage of Latina friends will be sure to inform you of this. If anyone can play the part of the woman scorned, it is NOT Bree Van de Camp or Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives. Oh, NO. It's a Latina woman. Piss one of us off, you piss off the entire global population of Hispanic chicks. The wives section? Is gonna be pretty empty now, isn't it, Tony?



I always appreciated how you seemed to be supportive of Eva, too. You even built a mansion with her in San Antonio. And for a while, when I started thinking about sacrifices and relationships, I looked to your example when thinking about long distance relationships. They might be hard, but if you can make it work, it's worth it. That's what I convinced myself. Obviously, you needed more attention, although I find it hard to believe you would have been faithful to Eva even if she was up your ass 24-7. Which is really too bad because nothing is cuter next to a really tall, athletic man than a tiny little Mexican girl. Ya screwed up, Big T.



Although I was always a cheerleader (not a Spurs cheerleader, I'm a Suns girl, through and through) for The Longoria-Parkers and was rooting for your relationship to work, I really am disappointed in the way it all ended, much like I have been disappointed in so many of my own dating disasters. Though I don't know you, if I did, I would probably share all this info with you in person, and tell you how I really feel. But since I don't, I will just say that I think you are yet another example of a selfish douche who didn't know what he really had until a good woman walked away from him. I really believe Eva will have the last laugh, Tony, and in honor of ALL the Mexican women who have been done wrong, I hope she is laughing ALL the way to the bank.



Every kiss may begin with k, but you can kiss your Latin lover goodbye, Parker. It's been real. P.S.--Make that check payable to LC, and feel free to send it ASAP. I need some cash for Christmas. Not all of us Latinas have our own perfume, movie deals, or part on a hit TV show. Not to mention alimony from an NBA player. Thanks for the past several years, Tony, but just FYI, you could've at least made it to a full 7, so we could have at least blamed it on the seven year itch. The only itching you're gonna be doing? Will come courtesy of whatever it is you contract from your mistress. Good luck to ya, honey.

xoxo,
LC

A Nail Polish Fairytale Come True

I am not going to lie, the fact that Deborah Lippman is a fellow ASU alumni makes me want to promote her products all the more, since she is, of course, a Sun Devil at the heart of it. This is not the only reason I love Lippman nail polish, of course, and I can give you about 10 good reasons why. For now, I'll give you my top two.

Lippman, a manicurist to the stars, who has clients like Martha Stewart in her portfolio, has been in business for years, and has truly perfected nail polish...the polish doesn't chip. Not only does it take ages before you do see a chip in your polish, you get a glossy, shiny finish with the first application, so it looks like you've got a topcoat already built into the polish. This saves us gals on the go a whole lot of time to focus on other important pasttimes. Like shopping. And salon visits. Hey, a girl still has to have priorities in life.

The other reason I'm in love with these polishes is, of course, because of the array of colors she comes out with, and the adorable names. I'm just head over heels for "Today was a Fairytale," above, no doubt named for the Taylor Swift song. Since my life is much more "Bad Romance" than something out of a fairytale, I also must mention my love of the pretty plum polish pictured below, named after Lady GaGa's famed song.

Too bad Lady GaGa didn't go to ASU. I think she would've been able to hold it together a little bit better if she was an ASU girl. Then again, after time spent visiting dorms around campus, maybe not.

To buy Lippman polish, visit Nordstrom stores, or purchase online at: www.lippmancollection.com. They make amazing stocking stuffers, too. That's a hint, for those of you who were planning to throw oranges and apples in your sister's stocking. Yeah, she doesn't want fruit for Christmas, Chiquita Banana, but thanks for the sentiment.

A Little Note to Lamar's Baby Mama...

I just read an article in The New York Post (yes, I read gossip. I know it might be bad, but since it's about people I will likely never meet in my lifetime, I feel like it might be a little bit better than participating in gossip about people I actually know.) In the article, Lamar Odom was getting blasted by his ex, Liza Morales, for being with Khloe Kardashian and for "checking out" as a father. He is now suing her for visitation and to have his child support adjusted, and she wasted no time being nothing but nasty in the damn New York Post.

And I would just like to say, step off his shit, bitch. Yeah, you heard me. And while you're at it, get off of Khloe's ass, too. Let the lovers love and let the haters hate, and since you belong in the second category, why don't you take your ghetto hairdo and your bad manners and go back to trying to find some other guy to harass. I mean, don't you have any pride? Who were your parents, girl?

Everyone deserves a chance to move on and to fall in love, and be in love. If he didn't love you, Liza, then why don't you leave him be, and let him start a new life with Khloe? Get over yourself already, let him be a father to his children, which, by the way, should be your FIRST priority--don't get it twisted--and quit using them as chess pieces in your little game. Because the only one you're gonna end up playing in this whole situation? Is you.

I am so sick and tired of women using their prior claims to a man like marriage or a relationship, or their children, as a tool for manipulation. This moves ALL women backwards, not forwards.

I was really happy when Khloe found love, and it makes me happy to see her in love with Lamar and treating him right, and I have no doubt she'd be a great mother to her stepchildren, because she's taken care of everyone in her own family for so many years. Hate the fact that he moved on, hate that he moved on to a beautiful, stunning woman, hate that he married a Kardashian and no matter who you hire as your attorney, his attorney is going to be a Robert Kardashian protege and is going to kick your lawyer's ass every which way from Sunday. Hate that the whole world can see that Khloe makes him extraordinarily happy when they're together. Be as jealous as you want, Liza, but don't take your kids' chance at MORE happiness away from them just because of your own fucking selfishness.

I guess that's just what I had to say.

To all the baby mamas out there...yes, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. But if you don't start getting some act right in that step of yours, one of MY hands won't hesitate to bitch slap you across the face. You might watch the E! channel, but you don't KNOW from reality until you see LC in full effect.

Peace, Love, and NO more drama...
LC

To Lil Wayne, With Love

Dear Lil Wayne,

So, a little bird told me today (okay, who the hell am I kidding, I read that shit online, probably from Perez Hilton's big mouth, but I'm not one to point fingers, and I'm sure you can respect that) that you might have fathered a FIFTH child, somewhere in the south. And not only in the south, but in Missouri. I once dated a guy who had inseminated a woman in Missouri during his college days, and can I just ask for a moment? What is it about that state? Are there NO extracurricular activities? Does everyone just go to Missouri, and decide to knock someone up? I just had to ask, because I find it interesting that every guy I know has impregnated someone from that state. Okay, well, maybe not EVERY guy. The rest of the guys I know drop their seed in all the other 49 states, and Puerto Rico, so I guess they've covered the states you haven't yet reached.

The point I'm trying to make is, Wayne (can I call you that? Or are we just not at that level yet?) I think that you really need to keep an accurate record of your sperm emissions, especially when you're visiting states you did not grow up in, or live in. I mean, it's okay to visit St. Louis, or Kansas City, but it's quite another to partner with the stork and leave a little bundle of joy for yet another baby mama. I mean, you already fathered four children. Maybe a little voluntary snippage might not be such a bad idea, ya know?

I once had a guy I was seeing tell me he was planning to have a vasectomy. This was right before he asked me if I was taking the birth control pill. Did I mention this was the day before Valentines Day? It was quite unromantic, Mr. Carter, and so I'd just like to suggest that if you do decide to go this route, you probably shouldn't bring it up until you say the "L" word, and all that jazz, because that way, she can't run for the door. Nothing spells out an awkwardly painful conversation better than opening up with a line about the "V" word...and I'm talking about vasectomies, not vag-jay-jays.

However, I have to say, in your situation, it might be a rather smart idea to get your vas deferens clipped, because you've smoked more weed than Cheech and Chong, and as a professional in the educational system, I think I speak on behalf of every educator when I say that we just can't handle more kids who are about as slow as Jay and Silent Bob and who think it's socially acceptable to light up a joint in the bathroom at recess. Although I'm sure your children are adorable, especially if they have your hairdo. Nothing makes society smile more than little kids running around with Whoopi Goldberg/Bob Marley hair.

Also, if you ever plan to date again, I can tell you that most women? Do not like baby mama drama. It is a REAL bitch to have to put up with one crazy lady on your ass because she thinks she can be, much less two or three baby mamas. That's just asking to have your next girlfriend hooked on prescription Xanax. A woman can only take so much chaos and drama before she is ready to go off the deep end. As I am sure you're quite aware of, hence most of the lyrics in your songs. If you don't know, now you know, and if you still don't know, you might wanna call Eminem. I'm sure he has a LOT to tell you about what can happen when you knock up some bitch you really can't stand. You might make millions off of songs like "Love the Way You Lie" but you will be stuck dealing with her bullshit for the next 18 years, minimum.

Just a little advice, from me, to you. PS--Congrats on your recent release from jail. I'm sure this dumb broad who claims you fathered her child and now wants every Tom, Dick, and Lil Wayne she had sex with to take a DNA test timed your release from prison just perfectly with her announcement to the media. She might be some trifling hoe who is just asking to get attention and money out of you, but she's no dummy. Most gold digging Maury Povich dropouts know every PR secret in the book, and I'm sure she's no exception. Nothing says "Welcome Home!" better than asking a guy to do a paternity test.

If you were my brother, I'd tell you to get a subscription to Playboy, and a bottle of Jergens, and save yourself the hassle of paying HELLA money to women you really wouldn't even LIKE if you had to spend the rest of your life with them. A cold and lonely bed is better than a big chunk of your record label profits going to yet another child who may or may not be yours.

You may not like what I had to say, but like your song lyrics, you can love me or hate me, I swear it won't make me or break me.

Peace, Love, and Many Trojans to You, Lil Wayne,
LC

Happy Halloween from LC

Happy Halloween...
Whether you're dressed as a ghost, a witch, a clown, or The Situation...
Enjoy the day, and remember, when it comes to the Snickers snack size bars...
A moment on the lips equals a lifetime on the hips.
Just ask Snooki.

These cutie patooties deserve to win every costume contest of the year.
Let's just pray they don't grow up to be the next generation of Angelinas, J Woww's, and Pauly D's.
There's only so much Jersey that one world can take.

Peace, Love, and Candied Apples,
Love,
LC

On The LC Lust List

Ok...another reminder, note to self, post-it note on my vanity mirror, whatever works...

BUY AN OVERSIZE FLOPPY HAT.

How much am I loving this photo of Olivia Palermo in this super chic hat? Paired with a floral top (or what seems to look like it was maybe a dress at this photo shoot) I want one to call my own, so that when I go on vacation to visit my girlfriends, I can walk out of the terminal looking like I walked off the pages of ELLE.

Keeping It Golden

The first time I saw the season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I have to admit, I was saying, "What the f@#k is Khloe wearing?"

Upon further inspection, and after really looking at her outfit, I actually really liked it.

It's actually not surprising, considering I'm a huge Missoni fan, a lover of all things Bohemian, and flowy, comfortable dresses. I also love gold jewelry, headbands, and hairpieces that look a little bit "hippie glam," if there is such a thing.

Now that I think about it, I would probably wear Khloe's outfit, if I wasn't all of 5 feet tall. Since I'm pretty short, I generally try to avoid longer dresses, but there's a first time for everything, and this Lotta Stensson dress, which you can purchase for yourself for $435, online at www.shopthetrendboutique.com, is worth it's weight in gold. And speaking of gold, her headpiece by her pal Nicole Richie, $445, by House of Harlow, Nicole's line (named after her daughter, Harlow, is the perfect accessory, and pulls the whole outfit together. She looks like royalty in this outfit, and, stepping out of her white Range Rover, well, she looks like Los Angeles royalty.

The Queen of Calabasas has had some style mishaps, but this time, she's keeping it golden.

Walk a Mile in my Moccasins

During the week, I usually wear either high heels, if I have a meeting to attend, or if I'm running errands or doing business for my own personal businesses, or you can find me wearing boots or cute wedges or sandals to work when I'm in the classroom teaching the young children I now work with. I very seldom have the opportunity to wear comfy shoes, or fun shoes, so on the weekend, that's the time for me to let my hair down, so to speak, and wear whatever I want.

This invites many possibilities. If I'm going out with the ladies for a girls night out, I can wear those platform heels that we all know and love, but rarely have the courage to wear during the regular 9-5. If I'm lounging at home, I can slip on my Ugg boots and be super comfy. And if I want to take a road trip, or go on vacation, I can slide on a pair of Havaianas, the tried and true flip flop that always cushions my feet and prevents me from getting tired at the end of the day.

But one thing I refuse to do is sacrifice style just because it's my day off. And that's why I am SO looking forward to buying a pair of Minnetonka Moccasins, because I had a pair as a child, and I need to resurrect this shoe trend into my shoe closet once again. Although I've obviously grown several shoe sizes since the time when my Dad bought me my very first pair of moccasins, I must say, I'm still in love with the super soft fur lining inside and the comfort that they offer to anyone who is lucky enough to own a pair of their very own.

It's like walking on a cloud when you slip on a pair, so you'll feel like you're in seventh heaven. You don't know what it's really like to live a day in my shoes until you've been there yourself, but these lightweight, durable moccasins will make the journey seem like it's a piece of cake.

(I found an awesome pair of Minnetonka's at DSW Shoes for $25.99 at Gilbert San Tan, in Arizona, but you can also purchase them online at dsw.com or at a DSW near you, or online at Minnetonka.com.)

Oh You Fancy, Huh...

One of the things I really miss since I've been working in my new job is that the dress code is so relaxed and so chill (because it HAS to be--I work with very young children, and they're so active and so prone to spilling red paint and playdough on their teachers and everyone else) is that I no longer get to wear pretty, classic career wear on a frequent basis, unless I'm going to a meeting all day, which is rare. When I'm teaching in the classroom, or traveling, most of the time, jeans are a staple.

Olivia Palermo is one of those women that we all love to hate. I personally don't hate the girl at all; in fact, I think she's very misunderstood. The one thing I do love most about her is her impeccable sense of style. She usually has her finger on the pulse when it comes to selecting high fashion pieces and mixing them with classic pieces like tailored suit jackets that look one part Brooks Brothers, and one part Calvin Klein. She can take a pair of Gucci shoes and a beautiful Balenciaga bag and throw in a top that she purchased at H&M and make the entire outfit look like she just drifted off the runway. This combo, with the gray tailored jacket and flowy, elegant ivory dress, makes me want to swap my new daily wardrobe for something much more chic, pretty, and, well, fancy.

A Deal's A Deal...

So many cheating husbands...so many broken marriages...so little time to blog about all of them.

With all the breakups, shake ups, and screw ups around the country and globe these days, a girl finds herself without a whole lot of time to keep up on them all. I mean, we can barely recuperate from the disaster that was Tiger Woods' love life last year, and now, it seems everyone is singing the blues these days. Yes, one is the loneliest number, but the hotties in Hollywood that are getting dumped lately are so gorg, I doubt they're going to be lonely for long.

Take Christina Aguilera, for instance. With hubby Jordan Bratman now out of the picture, I wonder how long it will take before we see her pretty baby blues batting those fake MAC eyelashes at another gentleman caller, or planting her MAC Ruby Woo lipstick stained mouth on another celeb? I doubt it will be more than a month or so, and I'm usually pretty good at estimating. The real kicker was when David Arquette and Courteney Cox separated. That one really threw me for a loop, because I clearly remember the InStyle interview many years ago, when they first got hitched, and he gave her a ring that was engraved, reading, "A Deal's a Deal" on the inside of the band.

Now the star of Cougartown is free to be on the prowl, and evidently, so is David. Reports have surfaced that he's already rebounded with a new chick, very much younger but not nearly as attractive as Courteney, who is the spokeswoman for Kinerase, and a distinct and timeless beauty, not to mention a star in her own right.

I guess some deals get broken, especially when it comes to Hollywood marriages, but the one I would pick up on would be the Linea Pelle handbag that Courteney has been seen toting around on the set of Cougartown. With stylish zippers, a smart handle, and a sleek black leather finish, Linea Pelle makes a classic investment bag that's sure to stand the test of time.

Which is more than I can say for most marriages these days. Or relationships in general, actually.

To buy a new handbag that is definitely not a dealbreaker, visit www.blueheavenboutique.com where you can buy this Linea Pelle bag for yourself for $395. In a gorgeous, dependable leather, it will be style you can count on. And that's one hell of a lot better than an Arquette brother.

Hey Courteney, you could be in a worse situation. Be glad you didn't marry Charlie Sheen.

Linea Pelle handbag, $395, www.blueheavenboutique.com

Elizabeth & James Dresses...How Do I Live Without You?

LeAnn Rimes sang "How Do I Live Without You" when I was a Freshman in high school, belting out the lyrics in that classic, famous voice. The song quickly topped the charts, and soon everyone was listening to the song. Women were drowning their sorrows after a breakup by cranking up the song on their radios or CD players, and men? Well, they just liked LeAnn. She was young and innocent.

LeAnn is not so young and innocent anymore, and plenty of people feel like they could live without her. Especially Brandy Granville, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife, a.k.a., the scorned wife who was left for the millionaire musician after Eddie and LeAnn filmed a Nora Roberts movie together. I have to admit, though I am not one to judge people for what they do, even for their affairs or bad relationship behavior, this whole fiasco left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak, and made me really hate LeAnn Rimes. I feel like the woman scorned, even though I don't know any of these people personally at all.

I would be the first person to criticize LeAnn for any poor choice in judgment, because I think she's a happy homewrecker and Eddie could've done MUCH better if he was going to cheat. To go from Brandi to LeAnn? Please. Clearly, he was money motivated. Sure, we're in a crappy recession, but none of us needs to be that desperate.

Still, I have to give the girl a thumbs up for the Elizabeth and James Soma dress she wore out in Hollywood, which you can purchase on Revolve.com for $445. The color scheme is flattering, the cut is perfect and flowy, and it's something I would personally wear, too.

I personally would not be joining LeAnn's fan club any time soon, nor would I be her friend on Twitter, or Facebook, for that matter, but I will give fashion props where props are due. With all the fashion f#@k up's in the world, it's a sight for sore eyes when someone gets it right. This may be a sign LeAnn is moving in the right direction. This is good, because the one thing nobody can live without is a closet full of flattering clothing.

Elizabeth and James Soma Dress, $445, www.revolveclothing.com

To Everything There Is A Season...Winter Kate by Nicole Richie

On my new and improved Bucket List is to learn how to play the guitar. Although I played the piano in my childhood, I never learned how to play the guitar, and it's something I'd love to learn how to do. Some of my favorite aunts and uncles have played guitar, and one of my nephews plays, too, so it seems only natural that I would take it up as a hobby.

I'm thinking that when I do buy a guitar of my very own, I have to accessorize accordingly. This photo of Nicole Richie in her line, Winter Kate, reminds me just how much I want to grab my guitar, throw on some jeans, and accessorize with gorgeous boho chic jewelry. If anyone can make seed bead jewelry look ultra glam, it's Nicole Richie, and if anyone can pick up on this trend, and run with it, it would be me. This is one of my favorite looks and that carefree, easy, breezy Bohemian vibe is both sexy and vintage, all rolled into one.

Now if only I could pick up the guitar, and actually play something remotely recognizable...

There's a season for everything...even learning a new instrument...but when it comes to designer labels and couture, Winter Kate tops my favorites list.

American Honey

America's sweetheart might unofficially be Meg Ryan, but Reese Witherspoon is most certainly in the top ten list, and her wardrobe certainly helps. Maybe it's her Southern girl charm and the way she never really makes a major fashion faux pas, but Reese usually always is a fashion hit, whether she's running errands, running to the gym, or on the red carpet.

While filming a new movie, she was wearing this pretty Stella McCartney dress in white lace, which is one of my personal favorite fabrics to have in my own wardrobe (it's the ultimate in femininity) and she contrasted it with a sophisticated black blazer and black Wellies. The unexpected mix between boots, blazer, and that gorgeous dress gives Reese an outfit that's unique, smart, and sweet.

And if there's one way to define an American girl, wouldn't those three words sum it up best? I'd like to think so.

Whatever Blows Your Skirt Up

My legs have never been my favorite body part, mostly because as soon as I gain any weight, it goes directly to that problem area. This past year, I went through some pretty troubled times, and the stress made me drop a few pounds...and even my legs started to look a little bit better than they did before. Although they could use a whole lot more work in my opinion, and though I definitely don't have legs like Heidi Klum or Tina Turner, by any stretch of the imagination, I have to say, I've been loving all the skirts and dresses in my closet a whole lot more these days.

This skirt that Hayden Panetierre wore in this photo, by Boulee, complete with studded accents, is exactly the perfect blend of femininity and edge that I would totally love. Not to mention, it would look great up against my bronze tan.

My legs may not look like Hayden's, and I have no intention of getting so stressed out that they'll magically get thinner overnight, but maybe after a few weeks at the gym, they'll be even more toned, and red carpet ready, too.

Which will just give me one more reason to buy even more skirts and dresses. Like I needed another excuse.

Skirt by Boulee, $243

Taking The High Road...12th Street Cynthia Vincent

One of my favorite designers is Cynthia Vincent, mostly because the collections are usually distinct, feminine, and have an element of sexiness that I appreciate and like to blend into my daily wardrobe. But one of my favorite looks from the past two seasons that 12th Street Cynthia Vincent has done is the poncho-like cardigan that has a Navajo print, because it's easy to throw over a lightweight long sleeve knit tee from American Apparel or H&M, and a pair of jeans, or a sleek pair of pants or leather leggings or jeggings and ankle boots, hair up in a chic knot or undone-bun, with oversize Chloe sunglasses to complete the look.

When you're in a hurry, and you're living a busy lifestyle, it helps to have a few pieces in your wardrobe that speak for themselves; staples that let everyone know you have style and taste regardless of the fact that you might have a $4 t-shirt underneath and a pair of slip on flats from Target on your feet. This would be that go-to piece.

Out to Sea

My oldest nephew is only a year younger than I am, so when he left to the military, it damn near broke my heart. He was my best friend growing up, and pretty much like a brother to me. Since his Mom was a young mom, and she married my brother when he was in his early 20's, we grew up together like siblings. So when the opportunities arose for me to visit him wherever he was stationed, I would try and visit. And each time I did, I would get to take a tour of the Coast Guard ship where he and his buddies all worked.

I can tell you that a Coast Guard ship is much different from a yacht; they are not luxurious by any stretch of the imagination, and in my stilettos, I almost fell flat on my ass more than once. But the idea of being on the water in elegant clothing is the dream of many women I know, which is why so many women buy into the idea of going on cruises, or taking a yacht out for the day or weekend with friends. And Kim Kardashian is certainly no exception.

Except this lucky biotch?
Got to go out to sea with none other than Miles Austin, the cutie patootie of Dallas Cowboys fame.

Wearing a high waisted black A-line skirt with a beaded silver belt, fitted white top, heels, and a big floppy black Eugenia Kim hat, Kim looks stunning, and is certainly the envy of every woman who not only wants to take a vacation aboard a yacht, but also those who are dying to get in Miles Austin's skivvies. (Or boxer briefs. Whatever the Texans are doing these days.)

To purchase a hat for yourself like Kim's, go to www.shopthetrendboutique.com. Eugenia Kim hat, $230

MAH-JOR Mom-to-Be News

Rachel Zoe has always been my favorite celebrity stylist, and though many people both in the media and the general public like to ridicule her for assorted reasons, beginning with her skinny frame, I have always loved not only her personal style and the work she does with celebrity clients, but her disposition and approach towards her career.

Style A-Zoe by Rachel Zoe made it on my top-ten favorite books of all time list, and since I read books pretty frequently, and since I am a writer, it's pretty tough to make the cut. I'm a MAH-JOR fan of The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo (for those of you who don't speak Zoe, MAH-JOR is just one of her catch phrases) and I have been rooting for her to finally agree to have a baby with husband Roger, who is undoubtedly one of the best husbands I've seen on TV...he has been completely supportive of her and all of her ideas and her company, which is hard to find these days.

So, I have to say, when news broke this week that Rachel might in fact be preggers, I was delighted to hear it. While many comedians out there were already starting to crack jokes about her alleged pregnancy, I think she'd be an adorable, stylish pregnant woman.

While nobody has confirmed the report yet, I would be the first to congratulate Rachel and Rodger and send my support.
And if I actually had as much money in the bank as Rachel Zoe, I would send her a Chanel bag to use as a super chic diaper bag. Although I'm sure Karl Lagerfield already has that one covered.

A Bang Up Job

A few months ago, I had my hair cut at the same place where I usually get my massages and sometimes facials, Dolce Salon and Spa. I had a gift card to use and a coupon, so I figured I'd take advantage and save some money. While the girl who cut my hair did a great job, I've been having my hair cut and styled and colored over the last few years by my favorite hairstylists, and when you're used to certain people doing your hair, I guess it's like getting used to a new boyfriend after a breakup with an old one...you can't compare apples to oranges.

Now, the thing is, that haircut was just fine. The bang trim that I got very recently? Yeah, not so much.

When I went into the salon and asked for a bang trim and told the stylist (who was new and had never cut my hair before, ever) what exactly I was looking for, and what look I was wanting to achieve, she didn't really get it, so she cut my bangs shorter than I wanted them, and straight across. They were choppy looking, and I might as well have asked my teenage niece to cut them with blunt scissors. I left the salon ready to cry.

It has taken weeks to recuperate from the bad haircut I got that day, and I was in tears in the Nordstrom parking lot afterwards. I had never experienced what it felt like to have a bad haircut in my adult life. (In my childhood? That's a whole other ballgame.) It was a humbling life experience, to go through the anguish and despair that bad bangs and an inability to style them in any sort of stylish way can bring you. And although the rest of my hair looked just fine, my bangs were shoddy and horrid.

I will be going back to my salon this week for an appointment with my hair stylist so that I get a quality haircut that I know is going to look fab, for at least 2 months.

It's very much like the expression goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The same applies to your beauty pro's.

Today, We Celebrate Your LOVE

Happy Anniversary, to my Amazing Parents...

Thank you for setting an example over the years of what a relationship is supposed to be about...

Working through problems together;
Finding a common ground,
Supporting each other when the going gets rough
Being the best of friends
Loyalty, honor, respect
Spending time together...
Whether it's calling each other to see how the day's going...
Or knowing that you always have a movie date,
A vacation companion and travel partner
A lover to come home to at the end of the day
And someone you can always trust and count on.
Someone to hold hands with as you go through the good times
And a hand to grasp tightly when times get tough, or you're scared...

Your marriage has taught me that real love does last and that it's something worth waiting for
And it taught me not to settle for less than I deserve.
If I had not had parents like you,
I might not have learned how to love myself first.

Thank you for giving me, and all of our family, the love and the example of love that you did...
And someday, I hope you get to be there when I walk down the aisle, too, because I will know that it was
worth waiting for...just like you always told me it would be. ;)

Happy 44th Anniversary Mom & Dad. We Celebrate Your Special Day With You...& Wish You Many More Years Together.

Love,
LC

Good Girls Go Bad...

One of the things I've observed since I've been teaching early childhood students is that even when little girls are 3, 4, or 5 years old, if you ask them who their alter ego is, or, what they want to be when they grow up, they're likely to tell you they want to be a princess.

Most little boys want to be a ninja.

Which, if you think about it, explains SO much about my dating life over the last 15 years.

Our society has raised young girls to believe that the key to happiness is to aspire to a crown of some sort, and to someday become a beautiful princess who is worshipped, pure of heart, and adored by her husband, the prince, who will one day inherit the throne once the in-laws kick the bucket.

Personally, after having viewed every Disney film in existence, especially the Disney Princess movies, I can tell you that we do girls a great disservice by putting these ideas in their heads. The idea that you can go through life being nice and sweet to men and that it's going to lead you to a guy who will whisk you away on a white horse is a load of bull, but more than that, it sets everyone up for disappointment.

Although each princess has some qualities that are admirable, the villainous women of the Disney films are always ignored or dejected. They're the bad girls on campus, the ones who have to fight for what they want because they can't rely on their looks or charm to get anywhere.

The bad girls are always the outcasts, but like the saying goes, good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere.

The Disney Villains collection by MAC has gorgeous hues and color schemes, shimmery shades that are sure to lure you in and make you want to do some damage to your credit card. The nail polish had me under a spell, but unfortunately for me, I didn't get to my favorite MAC counter in time to get the shade of polish I wanted before they'd sold out.

Check online or at MAC counters nationwide to check out the collection for yourself. If you're a Disney fan (whether a supporter of the Princesses or a lover of the Villains) you'll appreciate the sleek packaging and new colors.

The Skinny on the Faux Fur Vest

Heyyy skinny bitches! This vest is calling your name.

Before I start getting hate mail, (and believe me, I do) please understand where I'm coming from when dishing out the fashion advice when it comes to this chic cold weather trend.

FIrst off, please do not think I am ridiculing anyone who's made the leap to purchase a faux fur vest. I mean, I would buy one, too, in fact, I would love to purchase the one above, except that since my breast size is deceiving, and with the right bra, I could pass for a D cup, I look a little top heavy, which is a look I loathe. I think it makes you look unnecessarily fat.

Which brings me to my next point. If you're toting around a few extra ten, twenty, or thirty pounds on you, I don't CARE what your "dress sexy at every age!" magazines tell you to do. You have no business wearing a faux fur vest, unless you're planning to go to a costume party afterwards and double as Chewbacca. These vests are made for the super slender, and you have to be able to pull off the look with simple, clean lines through the rest of the outfit. They can make your body look at least 10 to 20 pounds bigger than you really are if you're not styling the look right, if you don't pick the right type of fur, or if the vest is not cut right, and if you're already a curvy gal or if you have a little extra cushion here, there, and everywhere, you're going to make a mockery of the vest.

Look, I'm not saying i haven't ever made some serious fashion faux pas myself. For a brief moment in college, I owned a pair of dark denim jeans that were seriously as bell bottomed as Cher or Sonny's, and much too tight, considering I really needed to diet more and drink less liquid calories in my undergraduate days. (Vodka was my BFF.) They looked hideous on me, and it's a lesson I wish never to repeat. Add to the fact that I had some truly heinous pairs of shoes in my closet that I'd wear once or twice and never wear again. My style has since improved; but it's these lessons that I wish to pass down to the next generation. Why have knowledge, if you're not going to share it?

Even if it has to do with faux fur vests, and Juicy Couture's gorgeous version, pictured above, when you've got wisdom to share, and some tough love advice to give, a gift isn't a gift until you give it away.

Ahhh, Snooki, Snooki...

OMG.
Where do I even begin?
Okay, I do better with letters.

Dear Snooki,

I understand that you've had a rough year. Although I'm not big on any shows that involve your home state of New Jersey, including Jerseylicious, Jersey Couture (which, let's face it, there is nothing that could resemble haute couture coming out of New Jersey), or your show, the infamous Jersey Shore, I will say that I do feel sympathy for your issues with men. Hey girl, we've all been there. Some of us have been dumped and looked pathetic more than a few times, especially while under the influence. I, for one, have fallen on the floor at a party, drunk, after I had just kicked a guy to the curb like Beckham. Of course, he was in the process of flirting with his ex-girlfriend, so I didn't really have much of a choice. So, Snooki, I get that you have had some challenges in your life, mostly with those damn "gorillas" that are givin' you a hard time. Hooking up with anyone who has the nickname "The Situation" can't be easy, especially when he can't keep his damn shirt on. (Or his boxer shorts on, for that matter.)

But even with those life events occurring, I would like to think you could find a way to cover it up a little bit more, or at least figure out how to get a better spray tan. We all know you people are all about the "GTL," but it doesn't look like you've spent a whole lot of time at the gym, and your tan kinda sucks, Snooks. And as for laundry? Well, this dress leaves little to the imagination, doll, so I don't think you're having to pay a whole lot at the laundromat, if that's where you're doing your laundry. Which I really doubt that's where you're doing laundry, because you've got to be making some pretty decent money these days, and why wouldn't you have a washer and dryer like most decent, self-respecting working women?

But back to you, Snooki, dear. What I am saying is, next time you go out in public, here's my advice. Man cannot live on bread alone, but neither can woman, and you really should avoid bread at ALL costs. Your muffin top is hanging out of your clothing, and it's really unattractive.

Next time you decide to spend time perusing the likes of Match.com or Find-a-Man.com or whatever the hell the single girls looking desperately for Mr. Right are getting on these days, why not spend some time on a fashion website, or perhaps on your IPad, reading some Tim Gunn style wisdom? This might help you out next time you think of wearing a dress that is the size of a cocktail napkin and that looks like something you'd pick up in a souveneir shop on the Vegas strip, next to the section devoted to latex condoms and lube. This is simply not awards-show worthy, and you don't want to appear on the red carpet looking like you got into a fight with your self-tanner and will probably never see the true color of your skin again.

And although I like you much better than Angelina, and even more than JWoww, I think you could stand to improve your look. Starting with the funky banana clip that you're always rocking behind your bump-it.

Keep It Classy, Girl.

xoxo,

LC