Ahhh, Snooki, Snooki...

OMG.
Where do I even begin?
Okay, I do better with letters.

Dear Snooki,

I understand that you've had a rough year. Although I'm not big on any shows that involve your home state of New Jersey, including Jerseylicious, Jersey Couture (which, let's face it, there is nothing that could resemble haute couture coming out of New Jersey), or your show, the infamous Jersey Shore, I will say that I do feel sympathy for your issues with men. Hey girl, we've all been there. Some of us have been dumped and looked pathetic more than a few times, especially while under the influence. I, for one, have fallen on the floor at a party, drunk, after I had just kicked a guy to the curb like Beckham. Of course, he was in the process of flirting with his ex-girlfriend, so I didn't really have much of a choice. So, Snooki, I get that you have had some challenges in your life, mostly with those damn "gorillas" that are givin' you a hard time. Hooking up with anyone who has the nickname "The Situation" can't be easy, especially when he can't keep his damn shirt on. (Or his boxer shorts on, for that matter.)

But even with those life events occurring, I would like to think you could find a way to cover it up a little bit more, or at least figure out how to get a better spray tan. We all know you people are all about the "GTL," but it doesn't look like you've spent a whole lot of time at the gym, and your tan kinda sucks, Snooks. And as for laundry? Well, this dress leaves little to the imagination, doll, so I don't think you're having to pay a whole lot at the laundromat, if that's where you're doing your laundry. Which I really doubt that's where you're doing laundry, because you've got to be making some pretty decent money these days, and why wouldn't you have a washer and dryer like most decent, self-respecting working women?

But back to you, Snooki, dear. What I am saying is, next time you go out in public, here's my advice. Man cannot live on bread alone, but neither can woman, and you really should avoid bread at ALL costs. Your muffin top is hanging out of your clothing, and it's really unattractive.

Next time you decide to spend time perusing the likes of Match.com or Find-a-Man.com or whatever the hell the single girls looking desperately for Mr. Right are getting on these days, why not spend some time on a fashion website, or perhaps on your IPad, reading some Tim Gunn style wisdom? This might help you out next time you think of wearing a dress that is the size of a cocktail napkin and that looks like something you'd pick up in a souveneir shop on the Vegas strip, next to the section devoted to latex condoms and lube. This is simply not awards-show worthy, and you don't want to appear on the red carpet looking like you got into a fight with your self-tanner and will probably never see the true color of your skin again.

And although I like you much better than Angelina, and even more than JWoww, I think you could stand to improve your look. Starting with the funky banana clip that you're always rocking behind your bump-it.

Keep It Classy, Girl.

xoxo,

LC